These events are the ones where I truly get to test my skills as a life coach, I'll try not to get to philosophical about the whole thing, as that could lead to a 600 page analysis, instead I'll get more specific on a situation that I encounter often with my wedding clients...
I get a panicked email from a bride warning me that her mother is going to call me... She is calling primarily to organize the payment of an aspect of the wedding, but the client is petrified because her mother is not 100% on board with the style of the wedding and she is worried that in this phone conversation , her mother will manage to persuade me to change things (that have already been signed, sealed and delivered, so to speak) since at the end of the day, she is the one paying for the wedding....
In my line of work, this sentence is the biggest blessing, AND curse. Who pays for a wedding is an extremely hairy subject and can lead to all sorts of other issues (again choosing to avoid the 600 page analysis here)...
When I encounter an email like this I always take a moment to stop and think. First and foremost, who is my client? In this case, the bride. She hired me, she is paying me, and most importantly, it is HER wedding, SHE is my priority. Next, what is my goal? To make this experience the most meaningful and positive (and believe it or not, FUN) as possible. Thinking about these two things help clarify how I should respond.
Another perspective I have to consider is that my job is never to make the bride's life harder, only easier, therefore my goal is to get through the "mom convo" without anything changing, but also and mostly to make mom excited, and find a way to ease her concerns about the wedding, therefore lessening the pressure on my bride.
I have a few wedding philosophies that many may object to (if you will indulge me for a brief moment), but that I stand firm on; there are NO 'shoulds' in weddings and a wedding should always, without a doubt focus on the main priorities of the bride and groom. And believe it or not, I 100% believe that it is possible to do this without causing negative repercussions. That doesn't mean that everyone can successfully accomplish this, it just means that I believe that with the proper care, and consideration, it is all possible (please discuss)...
In this situation for example, I knew that moms' concerns had to do with 3 primary concerns:
1- A non traditional (for their community) venue
2- Fear of judgment from the guests
and most importantly
3- Feeling that she was footing the bill but not being considered in any of the decision making
Therefore I knew that if I could keep that in mind when speaking to her I might be able to accomplish something really effective for everybody.
So mom called me, and given the intro, was surprisingly gentle and sweet. She gave me the payment info and I thought we were about to sign off, and then she managed to slip in a "question"... "you know.... my daughter told me that her tables have no linens on them, and I just wanted to let you know that I'd love to surprise her with linens, and would happily pay for them above the predetermined budget for rentals...."
(Ok, so side note, I get it, really? Linens? This is the big issue?! But it's a wedding folks, no detail is too small. And in this case the beauty of the tables is that there are no linens and its a huge deal for the bride and , and, and...!)
This is exactly what my client was dreading, however, it was the opening that I was looking for! I very calmly, and politely, explained to mom that part of the beauty of the tables is that they do not require linens, and that I know that this is one of the elements of the tables that her daughter is really excited about. I slipped in how my job is the most gratifying when I get to help my clients accomplish something they thought wouldn't be possible, and that her daughter loved the tables as is, but was also initially worried about what other people would think as it is certainly non traditional, and together we found a way to make it happen in a capacity that she was comfortable with (this is me, reminding mom that this is her daughters' day, not hers, and what her daughter wants, should be most important).
I then suggested to mom that we schedule a time to go to the venue and see an event in action, that she bring a few privileged family members. I gave her enough info about the decor to get her excited about our concepts, and said that I know, that her daughter would love nothing more than to let her have a bit of a sneak peek with a few other privileged people, so that she could see the tables, with no linens, and fall in love with them the same way she had, and if after this she still felt a need for linens, she should let me know (thus including mom in the process she was clearly feeling so left out of, and giving her the feeling of a little bit of control). I feel it is important to mention that none of the wedding concepts were a secret, Bride and I had discussed doing this with mom from early on in our process :)
She loved it! We scheduled a time and date, and a follow up call to confirm.
I then emailed my bride back and was able to reassure her with facts that all was ok, nothing had changed and that her mom was lovely and is really excited about our ideas. The email I got back from her (after she had spoken to her mom and gotten the update) was the kind that I save in a special folder in my email for days when I need a bit of a pick me up!
As I write this I am curious to know other's thoughts... Were my tactics pure genius? Or manipulative? I know they were effective, but what do you think?
As a fun little aside here is a photo of a beautiful table that requires NO linens! From one of my favorite suppliers Luxe Rentals www.luxerentals.com
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