Balance, so important, yet so easily diresgarded

In my opinion, balance is one of the most important things in life. At the same time it's one of the easiest things to disregard.

In the world of 9-5 it's so easy to get caught up in work, and responsibilities, to put other people's needs in front of your own, forget to make the time for YOU!

It's something that I struggle with every day. My boss may disagree, as he always tells me how crazy it is that I can leave work and turn off completely, but it doesn't necessarily mean that I am taking the time to do things for ME. Often I take care of things that i can't do while at work; groceries, cleaning, bills, time with friends, or family etc.. I CAN leave work and completely let myself forget about it, but usually it's just so that i can focus on my other obligations in life.

I am a huge believer in making sure that we all allocate some time amongst our busy lives to do things that are "selfish"- and i don't mean this in the way that people usually associate with the word ie: as a negative. I mean allocate a few hours a week, or month, to do something that YOU want to do, regardless of what's happening around you. For some that is sitting on a terrace people watching, for others its an art class, reading a book, having a spa day, whatever it means for you i truly believe that doing this will equal each of us feeling more whole, more content, and overall more satisfied in our lives, and in our skin!

I have been working like CRAZY this summer! As an event coordinator summer = wedding season, which for me personally = very little time for myself. My husband and I have been working late nights, weekends, it feels like it never stops. So we decided early on in the summer that when we had a free week we would go on a vacation. Not the adventuring kind, the kind where you can sit by a pool and indulge in mindless activities for 7 FULL DAYS, no cell phones, no computers, only each other, the ocean, yummy dinners, late night dancing, and most likely... many a cocktail ;)

So, we are off! To Jamaica this week, I said SAYONARA to work and in a few more sleeps am on my way. IPod stocked, a good book, and nothing other than some summer dresses, packed!

Until I return, try to to think about what I've said, drop me a line about what YOU do to stay balanced in your day to day, week to week, or month to month life! (jessica@aflalo.com) And remember, being "selfish" in this respect will not only benefit you, but will benefit all the people around you, who get to enjoy you most when you are stress free and content within yourself!!

ENJOY

Communication

What a word, seems like such a simple concept doesn't it?

But we all know that it isn't.

Wikipedia defines communication as follows:

Communication is the activity of conveying meaningful information. Communication requires a sender, a message, and an intended recipient, although the receiver need not be present or aware of the sender's intent to communicate at the time of communication; thus communication can occur across vast distances in time and space. Communication requires that the communicating parties share an area of communicative commonality. The communication process is complete once the receiver has understood the sender.

Whether you are trying to communicate with your co workers, your boss, your family or your partner there are all kinds of things that go into how you effectively go about communicating an important message.

I will NOT claim to be an expert, a work in progress is far more like it. Verrrrrrrry much in progress. While I consider myself a great resource to those looking for better ways to communicate, I can't say that I am as good at turning the tables on myself. The closer I am to the situation personally, the worse I become at communicating. Either I over think it and make things a bigger deal then they need to be, OR worse, I try to stop myself from over thinking and end up approaching the situation with zero sensitivity, and communicate nothing other than the opposite of what I intended. (I believe I have an earlier post about owning your mistakes, at least I'm getting good at that one :)

When dealing with an important message to communicate the best advice I have is FORETHOUGHT.

Here are my "prescribed" steps: What, Why, Who, How, When, Where (this may not be the order that you are accustomed to, but in this case, this order of operations is important)


1-First get a clear idea of what your goal is; are you trying to make a point? an argument? communicate a point of view? sway someone in a certain direction?


2- Figure out your WHY? Why do you want to communicate this? For someone or somethings best interest? To further a personal goal? To make for better business?

3- Who are you trying to communicate this to? Is it your boss? a loved one? A stranger? A group? The who is extremely important, as everyone hears things differently and when approaching something like this it's important to be really clear on who the person is and how they perceive things.

4- How, as I said in #3, everyone hears things differently, in general, and depending on who it is coming from. I believe in catering to your audience (though as I said earlier, I do not even come close to always getting it right). If you are speaking to your boss your language might be different then if you are talking to your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. One might be more straightforward, with facts, and point form notes, whereas another may need to be more emotional, more sensitive. Think about the person you are talking to, what they best respond to. Take note of what makes them defensive, because if you put someone on the defensive, they probably will not hear you. Do they react well to some sugaring up? Or do they see through that and need you to get to the point, and then back it up?

5- When; timing is everything. If you are talking to you boss for example, it may not be best to approach them when they are stressed and have a ton on their plate, maybe Friday afternoons are good, or maybe Monday mornings are. Use your knowledge of the person to guide you towards the best time to talk to them. If your goal is to ask for a raise, the best time might not be on the day when payroll comes out... you get my drift?

6- Where; based on what you have now considered on the above, it's important to consider where this goes down. Are you talking to your mate about an important life situation? If so, maybe your date at a restaurant isn't the best place to bring this up! Make sure that where you discuss the issue lends to your goal.

I can't guarantee that if you take these steps prior to communicating something that your goal will be achieved, but I can say that it increases your chances that it will be. And if nothing else, the person you are addressing is likely to be more receptive, and will probably appreciate that you didn't take matters lightly, thought through clearly what you wanted to say, and that regardless of getting what you may have wanted out of the situation, it probably won't end negatively.

When emotions are involved especially, we can't predict the outcome of anything, but what we can do is try to set up a situation which strives for success, and coherence. When we are emotional our thoughts tend to get rambled and mixed up. We are considering so many factors; wanting to get a point across while not hurting anyone, etc. This exercise may not even play out when you actually sit down to have the conversation, but at least you will have given yourself a clearer understanding prior, so when it happens and you are reacting off the cuff, you will have thought through everything and hopefully this will help get your message across, the way you meant to.

Have any experiences with this yourself? Find these steps useful? Disagree? Agree? Let me know your thoughts!

Don't Be Afraid, go after what you want!

*Disclaimer: This author is using some more surface examples to describe a deeper rooted concept and feels sometimes the message gets through more clearly this way ;)*

So many of us can give into being dominated by fear.

That fear may be of heights, commitment, going after what you want in life, being different, the list (as I am sure you know) can go on and on (and on!).

I have always been someone who has loved going against the grain, have always tried to be different, and unique. (Once in elementary school we had a free dress day, so I wore my pj's, the school hated it! Not only that, but it happened to be the day that I was selected to be the "monitor" so I spent the day running around doing errands for the office so no one missed it! ahhh fond memories!)

In my line of work this is extremely relevant, especially this time of year with wedding season upon us. I work full time at a venue called Espace Reunion an industrial space where we do all kinds of events from corporate to private. As summer nears we go into full blown wedding season. We are a super NON traditional venue for weddings, so the couples that come to us are usually the kinds that want their wedding to be totally different from anything anyone else as ever done or seen.

Selfishly, these events are the ones that I enjoy the most, that challenge me and get my creative juices flowing :)

For my clients, this can often be attached to FEAR. Fear that their guests will hate it, fear that the event won't succeed, when spending that kind of money on anything taking risks is a hard thing to do.

This is a perfect example of scenarios where my life coaching skills become relevant. It's an amazing thing to be able to help someone realize and feel confident in their choices, their artistic visions, especially given that their wedding SHOULD (here's my only should in Jessica's Book of Wedding Rules :) represent who they are; individually and as a couple.

In weddings, there are so many ways to make your event stand out and be unique, while absolutely still being beautiful, and classy. My wedding clients at Espace Reunion can attest to this fact.

It's amazing how wonderful it feels to face a fear, whether it be one like this, or even one like me starting this blog! Actually starting it wasn't the fear, letting people read it was! There was a certain vulnerability attached to putting myself out there like this, and I am so happy that I faced it. The feed back I have been getting from all of  you is wonderful, and I appreciate it so much, thank you!

It has started a bit of a snowball effect for me along that theme, I recently approached a friend of mine who started and amazing site that I have been following religiously where she showcases unique ideas for weddings called My Montreal Wedding. I had told my husband a few weeks ago that I was so impressed by the site, by what she was doing with it, how it was focusing on exactly what I look for and appreciate most about weddings and how I felt this need to contact her, so I did! She has now welcomed me into the My Montreal Wedding team and I can't wait to see where that takes me! (Thank you Selina!)

I don't know that I would have been so bold a few months ago!

We have all heard it before, but life is too short to live with regrets! When faced with a fear, ask yourself "What's the worst that can happen?", in my opinion if the answer doesn't involve a life threatening situation, or one that might get you arrested :), or hurt someone in a way that you will regret, then GO FOR IT!

Let me know a fear that you have faced and where it took you! I'm compiling a top ten list... but I have a feeling it may end up being a top 20. 30, or 100 list! There's no fear too small, I want to hear them all!

And in the meantime check out what I do!

www.mymontrealwedding.ca & go to our Facebook page and feel free to "Like" it! https://www.facebook.com/mymontrealwedding

&
www.espacereunion.ca

(what good is a blog if not to use it for a little shameless self promotion!?)

Enjoy some visuals of Espace Reunion!

Wedding Highs and Lows... Prepare Yourself!

The precious time period in which one gets to call themselves "fiancé" is absolutely incredible.

Every time you say a sentence where you normally would have said "my boyfriend", "my girlfriend", or "my partner" all of a sudden you are saying fiancé, which insinuates you are getting married, which means that no matter who you are talking to, family member, friend, or stranger, you will immediately be congratulated!


Side note: When I say the word fiancé I like to say it in a British accent and drag it out like a some British dude who wears a monocle, and frowns permanently would say it...

This Guy!!!

This time period is filled with celebratory events as well; engagement parties, showers, bachelor/ette parties, it is an amazing time in one's life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhFVZsk3XEs

My friends and I have discussed often how this time period feels like you are a celebrity having their 15 minutes of fame.

The thing about this time is that eventually it will end! And when you are in it, it is really hard to remind yourself of that. I do NOT say this to be a downer, I say it because if you are someone like me, who planned every detail herself, and got super duper into the whole process, it can be a bit of a shock when it all ends. And what I have discussed with many recently married people is that had we simply been reminded of that fact a few times throughout the process we could have mentally (and maybe emotionally) prepared for it a little bit better.

More importantly, keeping that in perspective, would force people to focus in on emphasizing and appreciating the things about the process that are most important to them (for me this was the ceremony, writing my vows, seeing my groom for the first time...), hopefully leading to them enjoying it all more, getting absolutely everything they want out of it all, with no regrets, and less shock once it's all over. You can even go as far as to get excited to enjoy the supreme calm after the storm, take a honeymoon, or at least a few days off, and get ready for absolute nothingness, that can be just as lovely!

*And don't worry,  you will still get congratulated for at least a year after the wedding. Being a newlywed is pretty fun too! ;) *

PROCRASTINATION

 
I am a self proclaimed procrastinator... Not only do I procrastinate, but I am amazing at it!
This is something that I know plagues many of us, and I realized today (in a roundabout backwards sort of way) that I have learned some great tools to combat this weakness of mine.

Here's the thing; when we procrastinate, are we enjoying it? I have always been of the philosophy that if I am going to do it, I'm going to make damn well sure I enjoy whatever I am doing while procrastinating...

 But I can't pretend that I don't have that little nagging voice in the back of my head reminding me of all the little things I have to do that I haven't done yet. UGH, hate that voice (mine is really quiet and squeaky).

What ends up happening in my world is that I will get some time off and end up wasting it because all those little things have added up and I now have a days worth of things to do.

Back in my student days these things were pretty much always study, paper writing, or reading related (let me add here that as good as I am at procrastinating, I've taught myself to be an even better crammer, last minute paper writer and BS spitter-outer...).

In my life today these things are usually household organization related; doing laundry, doing the groceries, changing my tires, doing my accounting etc... My procrastination always leads to the menial task becoming much bigger, longer and more daunting; I have 10 loads of laundry to do instead of 3, we end up wasting money ordering food because there's so much nothing in the house, or I end up driving through the summer with winter tires because I never make the appointment and need to buy a whole new set the following winter because I have ruined them (true story)...

So I waste time, and often money for nothing! When I know full well that if I had just gotten er' done when I should have I'd be much happier, more organized, and honestly, sleep better at night!

I guess the root of it is that we tend to procrastinate doing the little things in life that we know we have to do but we just don't want to. And in the end who suffers? WE DO!

I have finally gotten to a point in my life where I have decided to grab the squeaky voice by the reigns and tell it where it can go, so I have developed my own little tricks to help avoid procrastinating. I imagine we each have our own little versions of these tricks, hopefully mine can inspire you to find yours. One thing I promise you is that you will feel so much happier, clearer, satisfied every day that you know that your stuff is in order!

Most of my current issues pertain to day to day house things. My hubby and I both work more than full time, and this, plus the fact that these things are often no fun, lead us both to slack. We realized over time that the best way for us to beat the procrastination was to make it a routine.

*rou·tine (roo-teen) - noun - a customary or regular course of procedure. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/routine*

We love to do what we want, all the time. I work full time, but for the most flexible boss I have ever known in life, and my husband works for himself, so we both have this need for a hippie like free spirited lifestyle. However, after many years we realized that if we don't enforce a bit of routine our reoccurring spats about stupid things were not going to go anywhere (... "Are you ever going to clean your side of the bed?",  "No! YOU clean the cat litter, I did it last time!", "I thought YOU were getting the change for the laundry!?", "I don't want to clean that, it smells!"...).

So we created "Cleaning Sundays" (and I enforced "Maintaining Everydays" ;). No matter what we have planned for the weekend, there's a block of time on Sundays that we use to "keep house". Given my anal organizational ways, I will usually spit out a list of what needs to be done somewhere between Friday and Saturday and determine who will do what. Then come Sunday night, it's done! The week becomes easier, and by the time we get to the next Sunday it always feels like there is less to be done and therefore we can begin to combat some of the bigger tasks (like reorganizing the closet, or going through clothes we don't need).

What goes hand in hand with building these tasks into my routine is simplification; I will do whatever I can to make annoying tasks feel less annoying or daunting. For example, I'll make sure that if I am missing any cleaning products for "Cleaning Sunday", that I buy them at any point in the week before that day. I try to break the task into smaller steps that I do in the days leading up to them so that sunday is simpler (like writing a serious outline for your paper before actually writing the paper itself, it somehow feels like writing the paper is just filling in full sentences after that).

Coming back to where I started, you know that roundabout backwards way that I got to this topic? Today I did something along these lines. I invested in a new gadget in order to simplify a menial task in my life, that I am so super excited about and already feel is totally worth it! It's motorized, self cleaning, cat litter box! (call me the crazy cat lady! I am proud of it!)

Some may not know the value of such a device, but I invite you all to check out this video, if nothing you will get a good laugh, and if you are a fellow cat owner, please know that its the best new gadget I have purchased in a while! I was even stopped in the store by someone who just had to tell me that she owns it and that its amazing!

http://www.littermaid.com/t-video-Littermaid.aspx

Just one more way to put to rest one of those menial daily tasks that neither of us feel like doing! Thank you Litter Maid, from the bottom of our hearts (and my husbands' stomach, as he gags every time it's his turn to clean the litter).

Let me know some of your favorite tips and tricks to help you avoid procrastinating!

Soap Operas and Self Reflection...

I know that must seem like a pretty odd title... and I imagine for a lot of you it won't apply... But it is something that has recently got me thinking...

Ok here goes; I admit it. I am addicted to soaps... Not all of them, 2 of them in particular General Hospital and the Young & the Restless...

(*Side Note* I wholeheartedly blame my older sister and oldest brother for the planting the seeds of this addiction way back in the day when Shawn Douglas fell down the well on Days of our Lives. They taped it - VHS style- every day and watched it every night in that little nook near the 2nd kitchen... You know what I'm talking about M & M, do not deny it)

Since the invention of the PVR (another self admitted addiction) I haven't had any reason to try and kick this addiction. I mean, why should I? I tape them, I speed watch them, often while exercising, and mostly; I LOVE THEM!

The thing that has got me pondering lately is WHY???

I did some e-search on the subject and discovered that this is a well analyzed topic. There's so much out there on the subject generally that I decided to abandon the general "whys" and just focus on my own personal ones.

Part of what I believe one of my strengths is as a life coach, is that I am very self reflective (my husband might say annoyingly so ;), I am constantly trying to be aware of my behaviors, reactions, philosophies, instincts... in an effort to understand them, improve upon myself, etc...

So here goes on the soap addiction:

1- I don't like change; I've had some enormous ones imposed on me from a very young age and it has left me lusting after stability, consistency, control... (I leave room for spontaneity and adventure, I swear!). Well, as much as a soap opera is ever changing, there's one thing about them I can always count on, day after day (weekday that is) it will be there, to entertain me, to make me laugh, to make me cry, make me want to scream and smash things... Like your favorite movie never ending!
*I do recognize that maybe one day one of these soaps will end much like Another World and Passions... but the writers and producers understand their audience well and I have faith that they will give us ample warning and time to prepare and pre-schedule many therapy sessions*

2- They are emotional roller coasters; I've always joked that my soaps were like my therapy. As noted in #1, they make me laugh, cry and want to scream... I am really great at speaking my mind, however, when it comes to the deep rooted, vulnerability provoking emotions, I am the best "bottle upper" there is, I think the soaps give me a safe place to release pent up emotions... I won't lie, I thoroughly enjoy a good cry now and again!
*Disclaimer: While soaps are a good release of emotion please note that this author neither smashes, nor promotes smashing as emotional release*

3- They are a bit of a kick in the butt/reality check; Now this one may really seem to make no sense, but indulge me for a moment if you will... While we may see like minded stories on programs such as the Jerry Springer Show, Maury or Steve Wilkos (hmm... I have enjoyed these too in the past...) most of what we see in a Soap Opera is NOT what most people experience in their day to day in lives. And on top of that, what we see is more often than not waaaaayyyyyy worse than anything we will ever experience in real life. Therefore we are left with a feeling of happiness and hopefully satisfaction knowing that our lives are definitely better than that! (though theirs may often be prettier ;)

For your viewing pleasure here are a couple of photos of some of my fave GH and Y&R stars to look at... I'm thinking "why" will be self explanatory... :)

Let me know your thoughts, on my thoughts!

Cover Yourself & Own Your Mistakes (A lesson in coordination AND life coaching)

I'm no lawyer, but I am familiar with the term hearsay... This is a special topic that can arise when coordinating events... Early in my career I learned the hard way of the importance of a paper trail.

The game of coordination is gratifying in many ways, but it is also a seriously long game of back and forth. Negotiating with suppliers unfortunately isn't a one shot deal. Think of a menu for example, you meet with a caterer, give them ideas, they put together a menu and give you a price, you tweak it, then taste it, then finalize it. A whole lotta' back and forth. 

Because of that it becomes very hard to keep track of what was said, and therefore extremely important to have a record of everything. I always follow up a phone call with an email so that I can be 100% sure that if there is ever a discrepancy I can back myself up, OR own up to a mistake.

I once had a situation where I determined a budget for a client for a certain aspect of their event, and put them in touch with the supplier. I spoke to the supplier and said "I am sending you this client, they need your services, here is a basic overview of what they need, and they need it to stay within this budget, can you do it?" They said "Yes". I said "Ok, I am going to put you in touch directly, if they ask for anything that would go above this budget please advise them along the way that anything is possible, but this will cost extra".

Fast forward a few months, the details have been finalized amongst the client and the supplier, and the supplier comes to me and says, what they wanted in the end is not what we initially discussed, it is $X more per person, I advised them of this along the way, we are now at this total.... I check in with the client who says they were never advised of an price increase, and cannot spend even $1 more per person than originally discussed, and of course is not very happy about any of it.

First lesson in the life coaching of myself: Pride is useless. You make a mistake, you own it. In this case, clearly, I should have been present at all interactions between the supplier and the client, because now we are embarking on a game of he said she said and I was never there so I cannot be of any help, and yet, I am of course expected to fix the situation.

There's no clear answer to this one, it is a real pickle because you can never ever call your client a liar, and here the supplier is basically doing that. I went back to the client and said "Here's what we initially discussed, and here is where we are at now, which are very obviously very different scales of items" and the client's response was, "I should have been told, I wasn't too bad". And then of course adds, "Plus my event is now less than 2 months away and I don't feel very confident about anything at all".

Reminding myself that my number one goal has to be my client and their overall satisfaction, the only thing that I can think of to do is be solution oriented.

First- I own my stuff. I tell my client that I apologize, I should have been there, and I wasn't. Though we agreed that you would be put in touch directly, if there was even a 1% chance that something like this could happen, I should have been present. I tell my client that I will do whatever I can to fix the situation, and I completely understand where they are coming from. It's not right to be put in this situation so close to the event, and I truly apologize.
*Lesson in human nature; Owning a mistake tends to calm angry people. Getting defensive and trying to justify or even just explain a mistake will further the anger and continue the argument. The fastest way to simmer a heated exchange is to own your mistakes and swallow your pride, people can only push back so much when your response is "I know, you are right, I'm sorry" (I think men figured this out long ago, only us women don't buy it quite so easily from them :)*

Second- I arrange for a meeting with all 3 parties. This needs to be clarified, and I cannot continue to play messenger, its time for me to mediate.
Third- I let the supplier know that I am not OK with how this went down, my clients always come first, without them I have no business. This situation needs to be resolved, and it cannot become a game of he said she said, so we will go into this meeting with solutions, not arguments. We come up with 3 similar ideas that work within the price range to present to the client at the meeting.

Luck was on my side, and in this case the client loved one of the new ideas even more than the original. (Please insert "phew" emoticon here).

Personal Lesson: I hate when I am wrong, I hate to get in trouble. I will try to learn from this and avoid this at all costs!

Professional Lesson: It is OK that I cannot be everywhere at all times, but if I am going to put a client and a supplier directly in touch with each other, I better make sure to cover myself! Make sure that I am cc'd on every exchange between client and supplier etc... etc... etc...

What are your thoughts?